noun 1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid …
All my life I have walked in fear. Fear of disappointing people I looked up to. Fear of people leaving me. Fear of the unknown… The list went on and on.
Every action I took had a hint of fear attached to it. Will this turn out the way I hope? or what happens if I fail at this? Will they still like/love me if I don’t get this just right.
This incredibly strong emotion of fear took hold of me at every turn. So, I developed ways to cope the best I could in that moment. Instead of being timid, I would become overly aggressive. I built walls around me so strong I could get through anything in the moment. I would distance myself emotionally from most people so not to be hurt. I survived many of intense moments using these tools.
They did their job and served a purpose. Everything has it’s time and place. When these defensive tools seemed to fail me because they are no longer the most appropriate tool for the job. Imagine using a sledge hammer when a screw driver is called for, it just becomes a mess and the desired results are impossible to attain.
So, like a tape deck my coping skills became obsolete. This lead to some moments of utter despair and unnecessary drama that lasted about 20 something years… Don’t get me wrong I’ve had some miracles occur in that time period I just couldn’t see them at that time.
It is as Shakespeare penned in Hamlet ” Let Hercules himself do what he may,
The cat will mew and dog will have his day.” The day came when I realized life continues and is ever evolving and so must I. Through speaking to many and reading about others J.O.I (journey of Illumination) I found that I am not so unique. My first step into this journey was to allow my mind to open and keep my judgements at bay.( Btw I’m still actively work on the judgement thing, bad habits and all that…)
I have told many others including my children, there is nothing to fear except fear itself.( I’m not sure if any of them believed that since the person whom told them that was crippled with fear… ) Which is only half true, there is nothing to fear if you have Faith.
I was blessed to have a healing session with a beautiful being. When, I spoke of my fear to her she told me to take a deep breathe and sit with my fear. I imagined sitting in a comfy winged chair and invited Fear to sit on my lap. Weird I know but I went with it. It was hesitant at first then run to me with its arms opened and jump on my lap. My fear was a child alone with no one to care for it. I asked it what did it need to feel safe and a flash of basic needs like food, water, shelter and companionship came to me. A sense of tranquility washed over me. I knew in that moment, that I am fully capable of providing the bare necessities . I promised never to leave the child alone and always to honor it.
Check this song by Lilly Allen The Fear