To whom this may concern,
I understand your pain, I’ve felt the way you have. Please let me know if any of the following sounds familiar to you; I want to help you. In my mid to late twenty I was an active alcoholic. I was encumbered by feelings of hopelessness, despair, worthlessness, bone deep wariness. I only survived never lived. Life was unbearable, I hated everything I was feeling, and hated the source of those feeling the most, myself. The only relief I thought I was able to feel was when I drank. As I took the first drink of the day I could feel the relief pour through me with the burn of it. I gained a sense of contentment, if only for a moment. I thought booze was my lifeline, my savior. So, I would continue to chase that feeling of contentment constantly. Consumed with thoughts of my next drink, I was worse than a teenage boy instead of thinking about sex every 2 seconds I thought of booze. My Facebook posts would not be about the accomplishment of my 4 beautiful children, but would consist of such BS statements as, “hard day, kids drove me insane, mommy time with her fav ice wine! Life is good!”. This went on for years until it all came to a head on May 14, 2009. I was done, I had enough of disappointing my family and friends. As, I stood on the pedestrian overpass on Las Vegas Blvd, still heavily intoxicated from the night before, after promising the people I loved I would not drink at all this trip. All promises were forgotten, I did not last twenty minutes after landing in Nevada before I hit the liquor store. I wanted it to end, I so desperately wanted it all to end. I was disgusted with myself and my lack of “willpower”. In that moment, I believed everyone whom loved me would be better off if I was not here anymore.
Today, sitting here over five years later sober, I now know I was wrong. I have a better understanding of my disease, I know it wants me dead. If you are an alcoholic/ addict and you are active your disease will only bring you to three places; jails, institutions, and a funeral home. I have proven this to myself over and over again. I’m sure if you even think you have a drinking problem and you do not seek help your path is headed in the same direction.
I am at peace with being a recovering alcoholic. I now know AA is my medicine and with time, contentment has became my state of emotional homeostasis. There is hope!
RIP Mr.Williams it didn’t have to come to this. Sometimes being loved by millions isn’t enough, if you forget to love yourself.
Much LUV and JOI,
Feel free to contact me via this page, email me. In subject write contentment or message our Facebook page
I’m really feeling this song at the moment! Enjoy!